Can you really know if you’re ready to commit for life to a person in just three months?
By now it should be clear that the movies and romance novels lied to us. Love is far from the simple ‘meet-get attracted-fall in love-minor hurdle-live happily ever after’ trajectory that was promised to us by these tales. For some, it could be a walk through a park while for others that park is littered with hidden and unexploded mines. It’s safe to say that navigating relationships and dating in 2024 should qualify as an Olympic sport.
But while it’s hard, it’s not impossible to wade through the complexities of a modern-day relationship. Some of the credit for this can go to the countless relationship and dating theories that go viral, seemingly, at the drop of a hat.
The one theory that managed to snag our attention, and about 41 million people online as well, was the ‘3 Month Rule’.
The three-month mark has held special significance in the world of relationships over the years. With the advent of TikTok and Reels, the conversation about the ‘3 Month Rule’ has transcended from conversations over mimosas at brunch to the world of the Internet and is now a part of dating vocabulary in 2024.
It states that the first three months of a relationship are a probationary period and you must only commit fully to the person you’re dating once the three-month mark is up. Online content creator Anne, author of Finding Your Person: Even If It’s You and self-proclaimed “TikTok’s Big Sister”, can be credited for popularising the concept on the Internet, with her video on the theory racking up millions of views.
According to the theory, if you can survive these three months, or as Anne puts it: “the make or break moment”, there’s a good chance that you’ll go on to have a happy and long-term relationship with your partner.
An extension of the ‘3 Month Rule’ began doing the rounds of the Internet recently when dating coach Jake Maddock shared his version of the theory online. “If your partner doesn’t say very clearly ‘I love you’ by 12 weeks, then he’s not your ideal partner and you’ve wasted your time,” he says in one of the videos.
Relationship coach and matchmaker Radhika Mohta says that, while humans are fundamentally the same when it comes to love and relationships across countries and time, this branch of the ‘3 Month Rule’ might not be as cut and dry as it seems. “If someone’s not saying ‘I love you’, this could mean that words of affirmation are not their love language. Saying those three words early on in the relationship can also be perceived as love bombing Love bombing is the act of influencing a person by showering them with love and affection and exerting control later, to the extent of abusing their partner.
While it might be easy to dismiss the theory as another one of the Internet’s catchy dating rules designed to be engagement baits, the ‘3 Month Rule’ may actually hold some merit. This is when the infatuation stage begins to fade into a more grounded space that allows you to see your partner’s true colours, especially if you’re in a relationship with the intention of long-term commitment or marriage.
“In my experience, it takes less than three months to determine whether you want to build a life with a person or not,” says Radhika, “This is enough time to get clarity on what your partner’s negotiables are and understand what you’re looking for too.”
A study published in the SAGE Journal of Social and Personal Relationships claimed that men considered confessing love in 69 days into a relationship, while women didn’t think about it until 77 days. Aside from binary gender choices, the research also measured how people with anxious or avoidant personalities reacted to the three powerful words. Highly anxious people were happy to hear “I love you”, while the highly avoidant respondents didn’t react positively to the affirmation. This goes to show that the rule is far from one size fits all and needs proper thought and clarity.
There are several pros to following the rule. It allows you to slow down the dating experience and set guardrails for yourself and your partners before committing to something long-term. But it can also be affected adversely by miscommunication. The key, unsurprisingly, is honest and open communication with yourself and your partner.
Radhika leaves us with her final thoughts on the matter, saying, “We are living in 2024 and we’ve become used to frictionless experiences everywhere, whether it’s ordering coffee from an app or booking a movie ticket. We have become scared of rejections and we need to settle in and explore getting to know someone beyond just the exploration stage and put in the effort. This will mean not holding a timeline of three months against you or your partner!”
There you have it!
Salva Mubarak is the Digital Editor of Manifest. In her free time, she likes to read murder mysteries, discover new KitKat flavours, and rank movie makeovers (not necessarily in that order). View Profile
